


A Tale of Three Tacos

by Mirgaxus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Implied offscreen sexual situations, M/M, Marauders' Era, Pranks, Tacos, Word Games, Writing Challenges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 02:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11888469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirgaxus/pseuds/Mirgaxus
Summary: The Marauders plan three pranks, with varying degrees of success.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, while three writers were being far too ridiculous on a group chat, they decided to do an impromptu writing challenge. They came up with a list of twenty one random words and a prompt (Marauder pranks). They had one hour to write a short story, using as many words from the list as possible, shit-talking each other the whole time. These are the (unbeta-ed) results.
> 
> Feel free to take a guess as to who wrote which story! The word list is in the end notes of the final chapter, but see if you can spot them while you read.

“It’s too quiet,” James hissed, then tried to poke Sirius but ended up elbowing him in the stomach.

 

“Oof,” Sirius let out, but did not complain further. He agreed with James, and was looking around for a sign of danger. They had not heard a single Professor patrolling, nor seen a sign of Filch and his fucking cat.

 

“What are you on about?” Remus whispered. He had barely heard his friend speak as he was using all of his brainpower to calm down and _not_ think about how, at the age of seventeen, the Marauders were too big to all fit comfortable under the cloak and he was pressed flush against Sirius. He decided to ignore whatever James would answer - who cared anyway - and proceeded to make a list of the least sexual things he could think of.

 

_Don’t get a hard-on, don’t get a hard-on. McGonagall’s nose. Dumbledore’s nose-hair. Peter playing the trombone in Third Year, until they made him stop._

 

Of course, his friends would not accept his silence, not for long. They wouldn’t just let him be quiet and _think._ Oh no, that wouldn’t do. He was expected to not only go along with them, but also actively participate. Sirius was looking at him in a weird way, obviously expecting a response to whatever they had told him while he was busy listening to himself making a list in his head.

 

“Er— What?” the werewolf asked sheepishly.

 

James rolled his eyes. Remus knew he had been doing this more and more lately, spacing out and thinking very, very inappropriate thoughts about one of his best mates. Thoughts that should never be conjured up in his mind, let alone outside of the safe confines of his four-poster bed.

 

Before either of the dark-haired boys could answer Remus, Peter squeaked in the dirty blond’s pocket.

 

They were almost at the Transfiguration classroom where the prank was to be executed. But right outside of it stood Filch, petting Mrs. Norris. He clearly was not taking a quick break as he walked. No, he was waiting in front of that door with purpose. They had not told anyone about their plans for tomorrow, so Remus could not imagine how Filch knew to guard it.

 

“Bollocks,” James whispered as angrily as he could, “I knew it. It was too easy to get here. We didn’t even run into a Prefect.”

 

“Maybe Wormtail can distract them? If Mrs. Norris runs after him—” Sirius started, then stopped suddenly, after a quick sound as if he had been punched in the gut. His eyes were wide and his face scrunched up. When Remus looked down, he saw why. Peter had bit his finger. “Merlin’s _balls_ Pete, it was a _suggestion,”_ Sirius hissed, glaring down at the Animagus.

 

“I actually like that idea,” James whispered, nodding as he thought about it, eyes darting across the floor as he visualized his plan. Peter froze, but did not attempt to bite anyone again. “If I summon my broom, I can fly quickly enough to get in there even if Filch comes right back. With the cloak, we would be invisible so he would never even know that we got in.

 

“How would we get out, genius?” Remus asked quietly.

 

James frowned. Sirius was still staring at his bit finger irritatedly.

 

“We fly out of the window, of course,” the bespectacled boy answered with an eyebrow raised in mocking.

 

Peter went as deep as he could inside Remus’ pocket. It was uncomfortable but at least a rodent being that close to his cock ensured that the werewolf would not get any unwarranted erections any time soon. He felt bad for his friend. Animagus or not, it could not be fun, being chased by a cat, especially one like Mrs. Norris.

 

“I don’t think Wormtail’s quite comfortable with that,” he said carefully, hoping James and Sirius would decide to be kind, for once. They had calmed down considerably in the last few months, especially after Lily had started giving James the time of day.

 

“I’m the ring leader,” James whispered solemnly, “What I say gets done.”

 

“Maybe we can scare her in a different way,” Remus said, an idea suddenly coming to him. “Prongs, summon your broom.”

 

They stepped back far enough to be out of Filch’s sight, then James quietly whispered: “Accio my broom.”

 

After almost a minute which James and Sirius spent being bored while Remus shifted uncomfortably, they finally heard the whooshing sound of James’ broom approaching. After years of getting up to tomfoolery that ended them in detention on a weekly basis, you would have thought the werewolf stopped getting anxious, but he still hadn’t. He was glad for it, though, as it gave him the adrenaline that he so wanted.

 

“Ready?” he whispered, looking at James grab his broom swiftly in one hand.

 

The Animagus nodded. Sirius was looking at the werewolf with raised eyebrows, a mixture of amusement and expectation written on his face.

 

_Great, that’s what I need. Sirius Black staring at me. Because I’m not nervous enough. I said I liked danger and adrenaline, not the feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear._

He shook his head like a dog, and turned his head so that he could no longer see Sirius, even in his peripheral vision. They walked over again, close enough to see Filch.

“Aguamenti!”

 

Mrs. Norris’ yowl could potentially be heard from the Slytherin dungeons, it was so loud. Sirius started snickering, and put a hand over his mouth in an attempt to be quiet. The cat kept screaming while Filch, shocked and worried, tried to calm her.

“It’s alright, love, it’s alright. We’ll get you dry in no time.”

 

He was too worried about Mrs. Norris to think about _how_ she had gotten wet in the first place. By the time his brain kicked into gear and he thought of it, the four boys were already inside the Transfiguration classroom.

 

It had taken them months to perfect this charm. Well, come up with it at any rate, they still were not sure whether or not it would work, especially with McGonagall present. They had mixed a warding spell that did not allow transfiguration of any kind with a detection one that transfigured any already-transfigured item into something else to allow identification. Aurors used the latter one to find hidden objects in a room, by making every transfigured object turn into, say, a big red Quaffle, then collecting them and identifying whatever was hidden in the first place.

The Marauders, of course, had less pure intentions.

 

They had mixed the spells to not exactly stop a transfiguration, but to trigger the detection spell to essentially make it so that whatever a student tried to transfigure in the classroom would end up as a taco. The thought of McGonagall at first believing that the students were simply being daft until she noticed the prank was quite hilarious, not to mention the challenge in creating the charm had been exhilarating. Wards and detections, usually used for defense against the Dark Arts, were Remus’ specialty.

 

Ten minutes later the spell was complete and they were ready to leave. Unfortunately, one thing they had miscalculated was how high the Transfiguration classroom was and how, even with Peter transformed, three boys would be much too heavy to reasonably fly with, a hundred feet off the ground. The risk of falling when sneaking into the classroom had been small, but falling to their death did not seem like a grand idea.

 

“I can take you one by one,” James reasoned, “That should work.”

 

They all agreed, and James started with Peter. Only after they had left did Sirius think of the obvious mistake that they had made. “Could have taken Peter and one of us,” he said with a sigh. He was anxious to leave, now that they were done. He didn’t handle being in one spot for too long well.

 

So they waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

Almost fifteen minutes passed before they finally had to accept that, in all likelihood, their two friends had been caught and had been taken back to the dormitory, as well as gotten detention for sneaking out after hours. They could only hope that whoever had caught them was female and would not check to see if their beds were empty or not.

 

Sirius looked down the window. “The bridge is right there,” he said thoughtfully, “Maybe we can jump, then try to land on it after a cushioning spell of sorts?”

 

The werewolf walked over to see. He looked down. “‘RIGHT THERE’?” he repeated, unable to keep his voice down. Then he looked behind him to see if the door would open to reveal an angry Filch. It did not. He sighed. “It is at least, what, a hundred and twenty feet away? I don’t want to die, Padfoot.”

 

“Then we wait until breakfast time,” Sirius said quickly, looking Remus up and down, as if gauging whether or not the werewolf would make it.

 

Remus tried very hard not to think about the fact that, in his haste to look down the window, he had not noticed that he was now _right next to_ Sirius and _oh_ their arms were touching. Through robes, but still. He felt his heart beat faster.

 

They spent the next hour chatting about random things. First the prank, then the upcoming winter break, then the full moon and where they could go during it. Perhaps the path to centaurs, if they were lucky enough to be let in.

 

Soon, though, the Animagus was too bored to be entertain by mere words, and the conversation died off. Remus started reading a book that he had in his robe pocket, despite Sirius snorting at the sight.

 

“Have you ever gotten a handjob, Moony?” Sirius asked suddenly.

 

“Wh—I— _What?”_ the werewolf spluttered, feeling his face redden. He knew how to keep a straight face, but could not quite stop blood from rushing to it.

 

“A handjob. You know. Pretty self-explanatory I had thought, but—”

 

Remus cut him off. “I know what a handjob is,” he said, irritated and embarrassed.

 

There was a moment of silence.

 

“I thought since, you know, you went ’round with that one bloke. Davies.”

 

“Not all of us are slutty like you, Sirius. It was only a week. We did not quite get that far.”

 

“He was ripped,” Sirius commented in a far-away voice, “I would’ve thought you got your hands on that as soon as possible.” It wasn’t entirely untrue. Davies was the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain and did have, indeed, an amazing body.

 

Just not the one Remus wanted.

 

“You could, you know,” Sirius said quietly. “Get a handjob.”

 

“Are you trying it on with me, Padfoot?” Remus asked incredulously.

 

“Maybe, yeah,” Sirius said casually, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Which it decidedly was not, Remus thought.

 

“This is not going to be one of those times where you talk and I think we’re having a conversation when in fact you have been quoting muggle songs at me the whole time?”

Sirius barked out a laugh, breaking the slight tension between them. “I solemnly swear I am not quoting Sex Pistols.”

 

“Were you— Were you offering?” Remus said nervously, heart beating so fast he was sure - _sure_ \- it would jump out of his chest any moment now.

 

“Yeah,” Sirius said, voice quiet again, “I’ll give you a handjob. Or a blowie. Might even let you irrumate me.”

 

“You’re so _invective_ Padfoot,” Remus laughed, “I regret ever teaching you that word.”

 

“You taught me so I could offer myself for the job.”

 

Remus couldn’t help but chuckle. “I don’t know about irrumation, but I’ll take the handjob.”

 

“C’mere then,” Sirius said.

 

And Remus did.


	2. Chapter 2

“You know, I really thought that since I’m a prefect now, you lot would leave me out of your tomfoolery.” Remus scowls as he adjusts his stance so that his toes don’t peek out from beneath the invisibility cloak, which they’re all jammed underneath at the edge of the quidditch pitch, watching the Slytherin team practice.

 

Sirius scoffs as he nudges the werewolf in the ribs. “You’ll never be free of our tomfoolery, Moony. We’re marauders for life, and besides, no matter how swotty you pretend to be, you know you love it.”

 

Remus nudges Sirius back, and before long, the two boys are entangled in a shoving match that starts to turn into something a little more handsy.

 

James scowls. “Merlin’s bollocks! Stop it! Last time you two went at it like this the cloak nearly ripped. Now shut up, all of you. I want to see Operation Rattlesnake get checked off the prank list.”

 

Peter looks nervous as he clears his throat. “Er, can’t you two wait until we’re back upstairs to start that up? Preferably in your own bed, this time, rather than mine or Prongs’, but really, I won’t complain if-”

 

“Shut your fucking mouth, Wormy! _One time,_ you caught us in your bed, and you won’t let us live it down.” Sirius rolls his eyes as he snakes an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “It was Prongs’ fault, anyway. He had the record player turned up too loud. The Sex Pistols drown out the sound of your hippogriff lumbering, you great fucking oaf-”

 

“Oi, there’s no need for invective speech, Pads.” James gives Sirius a pointed look before turning back to Peter. “Wormy, honestly though, you’ve got to get over it. At least all you caught them at was a hand job. Consider yourself grateful.”

 

Remus looks amused. “Oh, really? And what have you been so scarred with seeing, Prongs? Don’t tell me you’re put off by a bit of snogging. Or was it that hand holding that you caught us at? I try to control my slutty urges, Prongs, but really, I can’t help myself.”

 

James sighs as he closes his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “If you must know, Moony, I walked in on you two last week when Pads was giving you that rusty trombone. You two were too involved to notice my presence, so I was able to make a clean getaway, thank Merlin.”

 

There is complete silence beneath the cloak for several long minutes. The only sound that can be heard is the cheering from the pitch as one of the Slytherin chasers tosses the quaffle through the ring.

 

“What’s a rusty trombone?” Peter’s voice is small as he asks the question. Sirius and Remus flush bright red. James looks over at Peter and explains calmly.

 

“It’s when you’re jacking off a bloke, but from behind, so you can have your tongue up his-”

 

“PRONGS!” Remus’ tone is sharp. “Can you not?”

 

“Oh, so modest now, are we Moony? So it’s alright to do it but not alright to talk about it? Hypocrite.”

 

“How do you even know what it is? You’re not rusty tromboning some bloke behind Evans’ back, are you?” Sirius is smirking now, even as Remus looks as if he’s about to wither away and die.

 

James sniggers. “Of course not. ‘Sides, straight blokes can be rusty tromboned too, Pads. Don’t be so closed minded. I read dirty magazines. I know all the hot new kinky trends. Bondage, _aguamenti_ play, the sloppy taco-”

 

“Please kill me. Kill me now. Pull out your wand and _avada kedavra_ me at once.” Remus’ voice sounds faint as Sirius bites back his laughter.

 

“Alright, Prongs, stop tormenting Moony. But I want to check out those magazines, mate, that sloppy taco-”

 

“Oh, look! It’s happening!” Peter sounds far more overjoyed than necessary as he nods towards the quidditch pitch, where the Slytherin team’s brooms are beginning to vibrate violently. Sirius and James roar with laughter as the seeker loses his grip on his broom completely, falling towards the ground where the captain has cast a hasty cushioning charm.

 

Sirius bends down to place a gentle kiss on the side of Remus’ forehead. “That’ll teach ‘em, eh Moony? Serves them right for being rude to a prefect on his rounds. Bloody bigoted wankers.”

 

Remus pretends to look exasperated, but Sirius sees a small smile playing on the corners of his mouth. “Nice work, Pads. As always.” He turns to face James and Peter. “Let’s head back to the castle. You two look like you could use a nice game of gobstones or something. Pads and I need the dorm to ourselves. For music practice.”


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm not so sure about this, Sirius," said Remus and didn't remember when he had been this nervous last time. He stood in the middle of their dorm, as he took in the sight of Sirius lying on his bed stark naked. "He is going to hex our bollocks. Set them on fire."

 

"That's what aguamenti is for, Moony," said Sirius, and sighed. "Just fucking get in. They'll be soon here and we need to make this look authentic." When Remus didn't move, Sirius sighed again exaggerately. "For fuck's sake. He is not going to hex our bollocks. And he deserves some mental scarring for the homophobic comments he has been making the whole week."

 

Remus walked over and sat down on the bed, but didn't make any move to remove his clothes. His fingers played with his prefect's badge. "I don't think this is really the best way to make him more openminded."

 

When Remus had agreed on Sirius's mad idea, he had thought Sirius had meant some tame kissing, maybe little bit of groping... He should have remembered that when Sirius pranked, he went all in. Remus's eyes roamed over his friend, who looked sinfully slutty lying like that on his bed, with no shame or concern over Remus seeing him like that.

 

Sirius sat up and glared at him. "As resident queers, we have the duty to prank him until he quits his bloody jokes. Shove down his throat some fucking acceptance. So don't you chicken out now."

 

"But-," Remus started, but it was futile. Sirius, with a growl, took hold of Remus's clothes and started to undress him in a manner more aggressive than sexy. Remus, reluctant but resigned, started to help him, before anything got ripped.

 

Too soon for Remus's liking, his clothes were thrown on the floor and he found himself lying on the bed, with Sirius's hot - naked! - body covering his, and Sirius's mad, mad, eyes gleaming and looking down at him.

 

_Some werewolf I am_ , thought Remus somewhat hysterically,  _letting this bloody mutt always get his way._

 

"Remember, we gotta make it look real for shock value," murmured Sirius.

 

"This is mad," whispered Remus, "you are mad."

 

Sirius grinned. "You love it though," he said cockily, and then leaned closer to kiss Remus.

 

Remus had thought about what his first kiss would be like so many times - fantasized about it, dreamed about it, thought about it - where they would do it, how, when. Fuck, once in fourth year he had even made a bloody list of all the ways (before five minutes later he had burnt it; privacy was a relative term in their dorm). He actually had thought that most probably his first kiss would be some sort of joke, happening only because of some silly game played late in night, someone daring someone to kiss him, or vice versa.

 

And yes, he had thought what it would be like if that 'someone' would be Sirius. Of course he had.

 

But this was way too much. Sirius's hands were in his hair, and actually were tugging a little too painfully, and they should have got at least the covers off the bed, because surely lying on the soft sheets would have been more pleasant, and Remus could taste the aftertaste of the tacos Sirius had been snacking earlier. Remus's hands were lying uselessly on the bed, twitching and wanting to touch, but somehow he felt like he had lost his ability to coordinate his body, and it took all his effot to not lose his mind and concentrate on kissing Sirius. Two things at the same time, that is impressing, thought some distant part of Remus, and he let out an embarrassing mix of giggle and yelp.

 

Remus expected to Sirius to get frustrated and angry at him, for being such an useless potato, but instead Sirius just sighed a little and stopped kissing him and looked down at him almost fondly. "Relax, Moony," Sirius said and stroked his ear, then leaned in to kiss his jawline gently. "Touch me."

 

"I- Sirius-"

 

"Seriously, just, bring your hands to my back, okay? I'm not asking for bloody handjob here."

 

Remus would have blushed, but he didn't think it was possible for him to blush anymore. He touched tentatively Sirius's back, and almost jumped when Sirius sighed deeply at the touch.

 

"Just like that. Just to make it look real enough so that James doesn't barge in and punch my face." At the mention of James, Remus's eyes snapped over at the closed dorm door again, and Sirius groaned, "Stop thinking, Moony, goddamnit," and leaned to kiss him again.

 

Remus soon found that he could not continue to think, even if he had wanted to - Sirius was all over him, and it was harder to stay inside his mind now that his hands were touching him too, and it was too easy to let go, just kiss back, let his hands roam over Sirius's warm body, linger over his shoulder blades, move lower to the small of his back, map all over it.

 

Just when Remus was starting to really enjoy it, enjoy Sirius's kisses which were getting hungrier and sloppier, lose the tension and forget why this was a very bad idea, the door opened with a bang.

 

"Peter, grab my broom, the fucking practice starts in five minutes-  _what the fuck?!_ "

 

Remus startled, and no doubt he would have fell from the bed if Sirius hadn't lied on top of him.

 

James and Peter gaped at the two of them from the door. Sirius had slowly stopped kissing Remus's neck, and was looking back at them calmly.

 

"Heya. Mind grabbing your stuff and leaving us alone?"

 

"The fuck," said James and stared at them.

 

"Finally," muttered Peter, with an oddly smug smile.

 

"Unless you two want to join in?" Sirius added with a wink.

 

Remus closed his eyes and hide his face in Sirius's shoulder.

 

After a long, painful moment, Remus could hear how their friends grabbed James's gear and left the dorm without more words.

 

Remus looked up at Sirius. "That didn't quite go like we meant," he said nervously.

 

"Huh?" said Sirius.

 

"They thought we- that this- that this was for real."

 

"Oh," said Sirius pensievely. "Right." Sirius looked down at Remus for a moment, contemplating clearly something, before he grinned. "We could see how long we can make them think that. It might push James to be openminded, right?"

 

Sirius's lips were too red, and Remus's brains were shouting at him for what a bad idea it was, but he had always been bad at saying no to him, so he nodded. "Right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find us on Tumblr doing Marauder-ish things as @Nachodiablo, @Mirgaxus and @BastardSirius
> 
> Here's the word list we used:  
> werewolf  
> taco  
> aguamenti  
> silence  
> sex pistols  
> tomfoolery  
> fucking  
> bollocks  
> broom  
> list  
> nervous  
> prefect  
> bed  
> slutty  
> handjob  
> love  
> trombone  
> bridge  
> ring  
> ripped  
> invective


End file.
